“As part of my “quest” to heal from the wounds of being adopted, I thought I had gone through enough work to finally release the pain of being given up. I was sure I had cleared the blocks, until I attended Carla’s workshop! Through her healing session, I was able to see my birth mother in a totally different light, which led me to contact her once more to have a relationship with her because I was able to see her with ONLY love in my heart! Thank you Carla for an amazing break through that sat deep ON my heart for 51 years! Because of you, I am FREE, once more.”
Kimberly West-Founder of Allow Your Spirit to Soar, Inc.
Part of my chapter in the book: Allow Your Vision to Soar!
In Holland, where I was born, a huge idealistic climate in the aftermath of WWII for creating a better world took place.Overflowing from love and great intentions thousands and thousands of children were brought to the Netherlands. Good schools, food and love would offer them a great future, or at least a better life. At 20 years, research showed that much had gone wrong- 72% of the adopted children showed signs of emotional damage and developed troubled relationships. Talk therapy didn’t work well. In the 1990s when the Systemic Family Constellations became known in Europe, desperate adoptive parents or their children attended a workshop. As much love that the new happy parents feel for the child, it is often difficult for the child to take that in. No mindset can help a child through the painful separation process; for the soul, it is a terrible thing to be given away. A baby, no matter what age, KNOWS and feels that. Often it is also terrible for the biological mother and for the adoptive parents who give so much and feel powerless.
Sophia, 22, comes to my workshop. Adopted at 10-days old, she grew up in a very loving family with several adopted children. Sophia says she really loves her adoptive mother and gets along with her very well, but she wants very much to meet her biological mother which is thwarted by her mom. She wrote her real mother a letter several months ago but received no answer. “What is the reason you want a constellation,” I ask. Sophia works very hard on her personal growth. She thinks there is a connection between her fear to fall in love, shown when she pushes boyfriends away, and the fact that she did not make peace with her mom.
“What do you know about her?”
“She is a crack-whore; she had several children and gave them away.”
“You know,” I said, “we don’t know the story of your mom that made her become who she is now. It most probably isn’t a happy one. It will benefit you and your mom if you find words that give her some compassion. I know that every mother deep down somewhere feels pain when she cannot take care of her own children. If she doesn’t feel that, life hasn’t treated her well. You carry in you your parents. Make that picture soft and warm.”
Systemic orders show that the real parents need to be called that way. Adoptive parents better have a different name. Honor your parents in your heart, even if that is difficult. It’s one of the 10 commandments... which were I found hard to comprehend in ALL situations. Becoming and being at peace with your parents, whatever has happened, serves you in your life. If you really want to be happy in life and relationships, that part needs to be healed. You know that forgiveness does not mean ’condone’ what happened, but ‘let go’ in order to free yourself.
We set up representatives for Sophia, her birth and adoptive mother. It soon becomes clear that there is not much respect felt by the adoptive Mother for the birth Mother: judgment about abandonment and neglect of the infant.
"You made such bad choices!" Sophia was crying very loud.
"For you a good thing,” I said," that’s why you have this beautiful daughter!"
Both women looked angry at each other...The birth mother turns away and cries silently and deeply. "I could not take care of my children...Nobody ever took care of me. I am empty."
I let the adoptive mother bow her head a little for the birth mother, when energies are calmed down. "I gave you my daughter, and I thank you for all you gave her that I could not give.” She bows her head in reverence. “Thank you for giving me your child. I couldn’t have children myself. I gave her my best.” Both women bow to each other; a profound movement is made. Holding respect and honoring what are necessary ingredients for a family.
Sophia is observing her constellation and very moved. I let her step in the field, opposing her two mothers. She bows for them and embraces them, a long, long embrace. A strong energy is felt in the room. Everyone is moved. A movement in the soul is made, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, honoring each for who she is. Pain of ages is felt. Love flows freely. Sophia sighs when I ask her to take the picture in, a picture of peace beyond our perceptions.
Five days later I call Sophia to check in with her. “Guess what happened?” she said. "My Biological mother called me two days after the workshop." Wow, I am so happy for her. Feeling ignored for so long, and suddenly there is contact... That is the power of working with energies by allowing the Soul, and the wisdom of Spirit to work. The simple choice made: Allow GOOD in your life to happen. That is what Systemic Family Healing can create.